Friday, February 15, 2008

Parents as a cause for healing

Christy asked me:
>I was amazed to read of your parents' attitude towards your work. Your are able to help >others and provide for yourself in one of the most magically beautiful--and expensive--places >on earth while doing what you love. THAT is the perfect definition of success.

It took me days to digest this. Thanks for asking. In short, my parents don't care if I am happy or not, unless it brings them something. Prestige, money, ...

The interesting thing is that my parents are not bad people, and if you ask them if they love me, they will say yes of course. And they mean it, on one level. It is a nice idea, makes them look good. On the level of actual action, there is much more to be desired. On the level of action, their interests come first. Right now they think they need me, so they are nice to me. When I was growing up and until recently, when they got old and alone at home, they hardly paid any attention to me.

This is extremely hard to digest. To realize that your own parents don't really care for you is rather harsh, cruel, difficult, to see. Another difficult thing is to realize how much I was like them, and how much of my life before was wasted being like them. The later realization came relatively recently. When I was younger, I was very angry at them. Now I cannot be. They are old and it is silly expecting them to change. There is a certain level of forgiveness, knowing that somehow everything worked out all right.

The rough past certainly led me to the healing path. Even as a child, somehow I knew - and I have no idea how, because I had no supporting evidence - that there was a better way. I just knew it, and I wowed to find out. So, here we are!

My parents left last night. I dropped them off at their airport gate. By the time I parked and came back, they already left through the gate and we didn't even say good bye! It seemed like they were interested in leaving quickly. On the other hand, I also wanted too go home soon... It was fun having them, but also challenging. They also thought that for me. So did we just get rid of each other ???

I thought and thought about this today until my brains got all confused, so I just said to God: ok, I want to awaken. That's the only way to really get out of this quigmire called Earth. It is rough here on Earth. The only way is to truly be aware of God. Then everything is clear. There is no other way. So, God, I demand, I ask, I require to Awaken.

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